2 Hands

Lately, I have felt so chaostic within myself. I have wanted to pray to God and wanted to think about things, but...I feel like I want to play with a toy, but I can't because my room is such a mess and I am frantically looking. There is this panic inside of me and all I want is this toy. All I want is God. The reason why my room is messy, is because I want control. I want control in my relationship with God. So I put things im my room, things I think will bring control. Devotions, good deeds, opinions, obligated prayer, and broccoli. Not saying there is broccoli roiting in my room and not saying that those things are bad. I am just saying I shouldnt try to control something that cant be controlled. I just end up with failed attempts and a messy room.
My motives. So, on the one hand I have this desire (a desire that cannot be obtain on my own) to love God and on the other there is this desire to have God washing my feet...all the time. All at the snap of my fingers. It's like when I became a Christian, God replaced one of my hands (at the time, they were both about filling my own desires) with one of love for God. Or at least, the desire to love Him. So now, I have one hand battling the other. So...I am now stuck with hands that battle.

I dont know if that made much sense. Basically, I am tired of fighting with my motives and my selfishness. I just want to love. Just simply love. I am tired...so I guess I am going to bed.

So...about that.

Hey! So...I know I am pretty bad at this blog thing. Either I am too busy or I dont think about it. Well, I guess I should get on with this and tell you whats been up with me.
As most of you know by now, I am living in Alberta. Working at a Best Western as a housekeeping. Yeah, nothing glam about it. OK, this is gross but i got to tell it. The other day I had to unplug a toilet. I was alittle frustrated that day, b/c as a housekeeper you dont have alot of time for stupid things (like unplug toilets). So...I was trying to unplu fast. BIG mistake. It started splashing...I got someone's poop all over my face!! So...(sigh).
For New Years, we went skating. So much fun! I hadnt been skating in so long and I kinda missed it. I was alittle bit more outgoing with skating. I am not an overgoing person...I mean...I dont try alot of new things, b/c I am afraid of falling, failing or...breaking a limb. But I didnt and I had fun. I didnt even fall...so I guess I didnt fail either. Nice! And have been skating a couple times after that as well. However, I did fall, but it wasnt my fault. Not at all.
I am learning alot about God. I am learning alot about God and I. I am learning about giving my all. Being obedient. Forgiving myself and others for being imperfect. I am learning alot, sometimes i feel alittle too much. But I think its good. Right now, I am mostly forcusing on love. I have been for a while and I think its a life jounry. To not only understand selflessness, but to live on a moment by moment basis. I know its hard, but i think its mostly possible in time. Anyways, I think that I am going to end here...Cuz I want to tell so much...but I am going to wait til later. BYE