Just Wanted to Write

Hey guys, i hope things are well. I have to realize that people just dont have time to write these things, let alone read them. but anyways, like i have said before, i dont really do this for anyone else. i dont expect people to read this. i just split milk on my shirt...this is not good. this might be a crappy blog to read, i'm in a pretty horrible mood.
I'm realizing alot things that i dont want in my life. i'm realizing that i dont want to be here (home), i dont want my job, i dont want my weak character...i feel a lack of purpose. i hate my job. i hate my house. i hate my social skills. yeah, this might not be the greatest blog to read. i feel i am searching for something, but i know whatever it is, i dont have it. i feel guilty at times, because i should have joy in the Lord, i should be content and praise His name is all circumstances. i'm not sure what the truth is there. i would like to be content in my "desert." But...i'm not. i'm not someone who slaps on a smile and repeats that " life is good." i'm also afraid that i'm not going to ever be content...i know i know, we aren't meant for this world and it's such a joy to know that we wont truly be content until we're with the Lord. i wish you could see my eyes roll. i know what to say, better than you know what to say about these things. i have faked my way through all these things, and to be honest, for some of it i wasnt faking. i dont think this is me maturing as a christian...well, maybe part of it, but to be honest i'm not in the mood to think that i was a "good" christian faking my way through it all.
sorry about all this. i could delete this entry and you would never know that i wrote this and your life might be better off, because of it. and i'm not even sure you understood what i said...random thoughts. i'm just frustrated wanting people to think i am this person. i thought i should tell everyone that i poo...to poo at someone's house or even a weekend with a friend, i can't poo. i'm afraid of being seen at stinky. i'm afraid of being rejected, i know everyone has this crappy i dea of rejection. i know told some people, but there was one trip that i held in my poo for nine days. i was so backed up that i was crying when i actually went...it hurt so much. even to keep it in...but my mind was determined to be accepted. or at least not be rejected. (sigh) maybe you can relate, but i alter or cause myself pain in order to have your approval. i will run the distance, i will jump the height, i will beg, if you want me too. i think there's a song there. i want you to ignore the fact that i'm a girl and think i 'm funny...i'll make that a statement...i'm funny. i want you to remember that i'm a girl and know that i am beautiful. Nay! drop dead gorgeous. yeah, thats right. i want you to change your expectations of who you want me to be, to who i am now. i hope you know that this is all very poetic...i know the truth...or least most of truth about what i am saying. no need to feel offended or lost, but just take them as passing feelings.
Oh dear, i got to go, someone who i dont want to talk to just came on. well, until another later