Now, I have an addiction!

Hey everyone!
I guess this blog thing is pretty much a habit for me now. i like writing. So! i think this will be a better blog than the last one. i hope saying this wont jinx (i think thats how you spell it) this, but i find my heart more joyful when i confess to God and myself, that i can't do this. half the time i think i am insane and i am so confused about who i am. i have no idea if i am the only one that does this, but there are times when i roll my eyes or am annoyed at someone for their inability to perform gracefully, not because i really care, but because i think others do. somehow, i feel i obtain status when i can point out some else's mistakes or shortcomings. i know this isn't new behaviour, but i really dont know how common it is. it's disappointing that my insecurity and my uncompassionate heart have joined their purposes.

i dont do much here. i have joined Goodlife...to get me to do something. but i'm stressing about the commitment to paying that much for machines. but anyways, i gotta do something other than blog and work. every wednesday night, i try and go out with my aunts and sister for coffee. they talk about sex alot. haha...i'm learning so much. i cry everynight. ha. but then we get into other topics, like people who have affairs in their marriage and the wife doesn't want to admit it. all this drama thats not even theirs. some make comments about spying on the husband to video tape him, catch him in the act. people need to stop watching tv. seriously. turn off the boob tube and walk away...GO! have a life! but anyways, i like doing this. "ladies night" has grown. my brothers fiance is coming when she can and my aunts friend comes...both are awesome company.

i know this isnt much to tlk about. oh well! bye

Shit?

Hey guys, i hope things are good with you. however, i'm sure who "you" are...i dont know who reads my blog, let alone if there are any "you."
anyways, i thought i would shock all of you with my title...if you know me, you know i dont usually swear. but this blog is about shit, just as much it is about love. what i am learning right now, is about grace. i want to be real with you. only for now, i'm not too sure how long i can be honest for. i suck. i suck at trying to live up to peoples expectations and my own. i've conviced myself that my own expectations were Gods, but i am also realizing that i know God less than i thought i did. what i know of God has been told to me by people with their own agendas and their own deception that they have picked up from others. but anyways, to the point. i suck. i have thought myself good all these years...for 21 years. which isnt long, but along enough with pride. i have thought of myself as a good christian and then lately i have thought of myself as not a christian at all. because everything i thought made a christian i can't do anymore with a joyful heart. my joy came from the thought that my Father was proud and he put me on the stage to win first place. to be better than the others. but now all the things that i thought made my christianity have become nothing. for a while, i thought God became nothing to me. i was afraid to tell people, because i was afraid that i couldnt relate to you anymore and the result being losing your friendship. i guess what started my feeling of emptiness is the double sided talks i had with people. they would quote verses like, nothing can take you out of the hands of God, but then they would talk about if you had an abortion they would question your christianity. how commited you were. this is scaring me to say this, imagining the opposition i will get from you and others. sin will not make or break you as a child of God. sin doesnt determine if you get into heaven or not...grace does. Gods grace. i feel like homer simpons when he sees a "diet" sign. i am so scared to say this. i know my fears are pretty irrational...i wish i could explain about this, but i dont think i have words yet. just yelling.
if you know me, you know that i am a very very strong willed person with regards to what i believe. i kinda feel like paul. for so long, convicing people that Christianity was wrong enough to kill every last one of them. but i was doing this to freedom. people's freedom to watch porn or have abortions. i still think that they are unhealthy and really dont benefit anyone. its even hard now to not say that they are sinful things or wrong..."God isnt pleased with them". but like i mentioned before, sin isnt the issue, its love. thoughts are very secret. no one needs to know about them, but if they are dark enough they can make you feel so alone. alone, because you might be rejected from people. saying this now, makes me feel nieve to think that i wont be rejected by some for my thoughts or my fears. i can see theres a misunderstanding among women and men. i thought i was so alone in this, but i am finding out that women think about sex more than anyone would like to admit. we may have a emotional reason for it, but we are just as much physical as the next guy. i am not saying to the degree of a guy, but who am i to say, i'm not a guy. but i wanted to put that out there. maybe everyone else knew this, but i find conversations with guys, they tend to think that thinking about sex is a dramatic thing. i know its hard to stay mentally pure, let alone phsically pure, but i think the fact that girls have the same issue is underrated. Throughout Summit, the issue that i thought that was pretty prominant was the fact that guys are visual. that maybe so, but girls have imaginations too. i have struggled with sexual thoughts since i was in grade nine. i have felt so alone in this, because people have highlighted it so much in guys, that i didnt think any other girls delt with it. which lead me to never talk about it.
i know guys and girls differ. there's no denying that, but i think we are the same in alot of things as well. anyways, i think thats enough for now.

Just Wanted to Write

Hey guys, i hope things are well. I have to realize that people just dont have time to write these things, let alone read them. but anyways, like i have said before, i dont really do this for anyone else. i dont expect people to read this. i just split milk on my shirt...this is not good. this might be a crappy blog to read, i'm in a pretty horrible mood.
I'm realizing alot things that i dont want in my life. i'm realizing that i dont want to be here (home), i dont want my job, i dont want my weak character...i feel a lack of purpose. i hate my job. i hate my house. i hate my social skills. yeah, this might not be the greatest blog to read. i feel i am searching for something, but i know whatever it is, i dont have it. i feel guilty at times, because i should have joy in the Lord, i should be content and praise His name is all circumstances. i'm not sure what the truth is there. i would like to be content in my "desert." But...i'm not. i'm not someone who slaps on a smile and repeats that " life is good." i'm also afraid that i'm not going to ever be content...i know i know, we aren't meant for this world and it's such a joy to know that we wont truly be content until we're with the Lord. i wish you could see my eyes roll. i know what to say, better than you know what to say about these things. i have faked my way through all these things, and to be honest, for some of it i wasnt faking. i dont think this is me maturing as a christian...well, maybe part of it, but to be honest i'm not in the mood to think that i was a "good" christian faking my way through it all.
sorry about all this. i could delete this entry and you would never know that i wrote this and your life might be better off, because of it. and i'm not even sure you understood what i said...random thoughts. i'm just frustrated wanting people to think i am this person. i thought i should tell everyone that i poo...to poo at someone's house or even a weekend with a friend, i can't poo. i'm afraid of being seen at stinky. i'm afraid of being rejected, i know everyone has this crappy i dea of rejection. i know told some people, but there was one trip that i held in my poo for nine days. i was so backed up that i was crying when i actually went...it hurt so much. even to keep it in...but my mind was determined to be accepted. or at least not be rejected. (sigh) maybe you can relate, but i alter or cause myself pain in order to have your approval. i will run the distance, i will jump the height, i will beg, if you want me too. i think there's a song there. i want you to ignore the fact that i'm a girl and think i 'm funny...i'll make that a statement...i'm funny. i want you to remember that i'm a girl and know that i am beautiful. Nay! drop dead gorgeous. yeah, thats right. i want you to change your expectations of who you want me to be, to who i am now. i hope you know that this is all very poetic...i know the truth...or least most of truth about what i am saying. no need to feel offended or lost, but just take them as passing feelings.
Oh dear, i got to go, someone who i dont want to talk to just came on. well, until another later

Here's a poem...

Hey guys, i dont normally do this. i wrote a poem and i dont normally do this unless i like it. i like this poem, because it gives reason to what i am working through right now. it's not finished, because there's parts about it i dont like. just because they dont sound all that smooth, like a poem shoould. i dont want pity, just to make this clear. i know alot of people have gone through this and...this has no hidden agenda that i can currently think of. anyways! here it is...

I knew pornography, before i knew multiplication.
I knew horror, before I knew substraction.
I knew disappointment, before I knew words.

It's not "a world" of experience I need.
The world I know.
I dont need a room with a lock.
No cocoon is needed for me.
What I need is to know purity, among corruption.
To know the presence of God, among the absence of God.
To know Grace.
To the good of this life.
To know the sunrises, just as much as I know the sunsets.

My innocence was stripped, before I was clothed with it.
I was alone with my demons, before they knew my name.
I was afraid of God, before I knew the grace of God.

It's not "a world" of experience I need.
The world I know.
I dont need a room with a lock.
No cocoon is needed for me.
What I need to know is safety in the darkness.
To know the presence of God, among the absence of God.
To know Grace.
To know the good in this life.
To know the sunrises, just as much as I know the sunsets.

I claimed myself condemed, before I knew who I was.
I was found by my fears, before I could be hidden.
I was bound, before I could run.

It's not "a world" of experience I need.
The world I know.
I dont need a room with a lock.
No cocoon is needed for me.
What I need is to know freedom within iron bars.
To know the presence of God, among the absence of God.
To know Grace.
To know sunrises, just as much as I know sunsets.

To know sunrises, just as much as I know sunsets.