Shit?

Hey guys, i hope things are good with you. however, i'm sure who "you" are...i dont know who reads my blog, let alone if there are any "you."
anyways, i thought i would shock all of you with my title...if you know me, you know i dont usually swear. but this blog is about shit, just as much it is about love. what i am learning right now, is about grace. i want to be real with you. only for now, i'm not too sure how long i can be honest for. i suck. i suck at trying to live up to peoples expectations and my own. i've conviced myself that my own expectations were Gods, but i am also realizing that i know God less than i thought i did. what i know of God has been told to me by people with their own agendas and their own deception that they have picked up from others. but anyways, to the point. i suck. i have thought myself good all these years...for 21 years. which isnt long, but along enough with pride. i have thought of myself as a good christian and then lately i have thought of myself as not a christian at all. because everything i thought made a christian i can't do anymore with a joyful heart. my joy came from the thought that my Father was proud and he put me on the stage to win first place. to be better than the others. but now all the things that i thought made my christianity have become nothing. for a while, i thought God became nothing to me. i was afraid to tell people, because i was afraid that i couldnt relate to you anymore and the result being losing your friendship. i guess what started my feeling of emptiness is the double sided talks i had with people. they would quote verses like, nothing can take you out of the hands of God, but then they would talk about if you had an abortion they would question your christianity. how commited you were. this is scaring me to say this, imagining the opposition i will get from you and others. sin will not make or break you as a child of God. sin doesnt determine if you get into heaven or not...grace does. Gods grace. i feel like homer simpons when he sees a "diet" sign. i am so scared to say this. i know my fears are pretty irrational...i wish i could explain about this, but i dont think i have words yet. just yelling.
if you know me, you know that i am a very very strong willed person with regards to what i believe. i kinda feel like paul. for so long, convicing people that Christianity was wrong enough to kill every last one of them. but i was doing this to freedom. people's freedom to watch porn or have abortions. i still think that they are unhealthy and really dont benefit anyone. its even hard now to not say that they are sinful things or wrong..."God isnt pleased with them". but like i mentioned before, sin isnt the issue, its love. thoughts are very secret. no one needs to know about them, but if they are dark enough they can make you feel so alone. alone, because you might be rejected from people. saying this now, makes me feel nieve to think that i wont be rejected by some for my thoughts or my fears. i can see theres a misunderstanding among women and men. i thought i was so alone in this, but i am finding out that women think about sex more than anyone would like to admit. we may have a emotional reason for it, but we are just as much physical as the next guy. i am not saying to the degree of a guy, but who am i to say, i'm not a guy. but i wanted to put that out there. maybe everyone else knew this, but i find conversations with guys, they tend to think that thinking about sex is a dramatic thing. i know its hard to stay mentally pure, let alone phsically pure, but i think the fact that girls have the same issue is underrated. Throughout Summit, the issue that i thought that was pretty prominant was the fact that guys are visual. that maybe so, but girls have imaginations too. i have struggled with sexual thoughts since i was in grade nine. i have felt so alone in this, because people have highlighted it so much in guys, that i didnt think any other girls delt with it. which lead me to never talk about it.
i know guys and girls differ. there's no denying that, but i think we are the same in alot of things as well. anyways, i think thats enough for now.