2 Hands

Lately, I have felt so chaostic within myself. I have wanted to pray to God and wanted to think about things, but...I feel like I want to play with a toy, but I can't because my room is such a mess and I am frantically looking. There is this panic inside of me and all I want is this toy. All I want is God. The reason why my room is messy, is because I want control. I want control in my relationship with God. So I put things im my room, things I think will bring control. Devotions, good deeds, opinions, obligated prayer, and broccoli. Not saying there is broccoli roiting in my room and not saying that those things are bad. I am just saying I shouldnt try to control something that cant be controlled. I just end up with failed attempts and a messy room.
My motives. So, on the one hand I have this desire (a desire that cannot be obtain on my own) to love God and on the other there is this desire to have God washing my feet...all the time. All at the snap of my fingers. It's like when I became a Christian, God replaced one of my hands (at the time, they were both about filling my own desires) with one of love for God. Or at least, the desire to love Him. So now, I have one hand battling the other. So...I am now stuck with hands that battle.

I dont know if that made much sense. Basically, I am tired of fighting with my motives and my selfishness. I just want to love. Just simply love. I am tired...so I guess I am going to bed.