it took me so long to get into my account that i forgot what i was going to write about.

i think it had to do with buying the Bible on mp3...dahhh! anyways, i wont waste time talking about that now. theres not much i can do about it. that might be the wrong attitude, i'm just not sure of all the angles i want to see this.

my understanding of God is changing, for the better. i'm frustrated at how i have personally changed the image of God, because of my preferences. to who i want him to be, so that my views can be right and just.

i view praying as something i should do. and i know its something, a interacting action, that is beneficial, but really i want it to be something that i long to do. and not something i feel guilty about not doing. i find that when i have a late night and am too tired, i feel quite guilty for skipping prayer. i'm not sure psychologically what i need to change, what perspective is bringing this destructive nature, but i'm not sure i can stop thinking and searching until i find it.

for awhile now, i have been pretty frustrated at my family. i think we are all adjusting and not adjusting, which brings alot of tension. but lately, i have been able to see good and helpful qualities in them. i have also been able to see the purpose of a family. i knew that in the future i want a family of my own, but presently wasnt able to be happy with the one i was apart of. but God has opened understanding and allowed me to see my family and myself through grace.

i'm starting school soon. hopefully. i'm not sure about it. there seems to be alot of obstacles, i'm not sure if all of them are possible to get by. i'm sure there are other options no matter what. anyways, peace!

i have been pretty frustrated lately. there's just some stuff i have been thinking through. i think i have said this before, but i'm a big talker with no action. so i want to make this clear, this isnt a judgement on anyone, just feelings and thoughts. i dont think they amount to much, i dont have a life to back what i'm saying.
i think alot of people are frustrated with the church, but i got to be honest with you, i'm frustrated with myself. i was so blinded to what was going on. Dependent and relying other people to make my choices and beliefs. I agreed with the war, because the people around me agreed with it. they seem to know what they were talking about. but now i'm not too sure about what they are saying. but then i dont know about what the peace activist are saying. i mean there's got to be healthy way of doing things. of fighting and loving. i feel very soon a patting on my head is in order, "there, there."
i'm frustrated that i dont have courage to live by my convictions. no matter what it means. in my eyes, pain is the signal to give up. adversity is the time to find a corner. perserverance is when it becomes too much. oh please, i'm not asking for pity or anything else. i'm just saying stuff. i'm just saying that i got nothing to say about your life, but that i need to change mine. thats all.

WooHoo!

Hey! I'm in Beautiful British Columbia! I arrived here monday night and it felt so good to see mountains. I wanted to yell, "look! there's mountains!" but there were people on the plane and it would be embarassing. so i didnt. it feels really good to be with friends and to talk with them about eachothers lives. the point to come out here was to be with friends and see where that takes me. among all the good talks and laughs, it has lead me back to insecurities with people. But i continue to look for where God will heal me and how i could be used to help. but anyways, no time for writing...gotta go back to making this trip worth while...woohoo! roger out my friends

The Perfect Morning

I was woken this morning by the refresh smell of a new day. Being a wake at 6:30 and to see light was something I have been missing. I was lured into the day by the warm comforting smell of my pillow with birds lightly churping by my window. Feeling hope for what was to come. I looked out the window hoping to see grass and trees budding. Not so, but i did see the moon shining ever so brightly as the sun began to rise. This gave me a sense of being small and important. As though, my life was unique and significant to you, to me, and to God. Being woken so gently and then to hear those purpose filling words was really more than i can describe. I have been getting to know God again. Even though, I am not where I want to be, I am where I need to be. I am glad I have gone through what I have. He's breaking me and this is what I have asked all along. I don't care what I go through, I just want to be with Him. To love Him with no hidden agenda or motive. To know Him and be in union with Him. Not only to be in union, but to live as though I know I am. I have been very focused on my circumstances, that I was unfocused on the person I pursue to be. I got sick of waking up. I got sick of waking up and knowing I was a fake. That all I talked about, I doubted. I thought I was suppose to fight for justice and I thought justice was perfecting the law in all of us. I thought people should know my views on gays and sex. Instead, of God's views on love. Somehow, my pursuit in knowing truth, got mixed up with these lies about who we could never be. This is the part I hate. The part where I can relate to satan, when he declares that he can be better than God or the same as. I know I didnt mean this intentionally. But that was the end result of my lack of humility and abundance of pride. Forgot, in all my struggles and loniness, to depend. Completely surrender myself to the only Person who I know who can do something and anything with me. I'm pitiful, but important.

Now, I have an addiction!

Hey everyone!
I guess this blog thing is pretty much a habit for me now. i like writing. So! i think this will be a better blog than the last one. i hope saying this wont jinx (i think thats how you spell it) this, but i find my heart more joyful when i confess to God and myself, that i can't do this. half the time i think i am insane and i am so confused about who i am. i have no idea if i am the only one that does this, but there are times when i roll my eyes or am annoyed at someone for their inability to perform gracefully, not because i really care, but because i think others do. somehow, i feel i obtain status when i can point out some else's mistakes or shortcomings. i know this isn't new behaviour, but i really dont know how common it is. it's disappointing that my insecurity and my uncompassionate heart have joined their purposes.

i dont do much here. i have joined Goodlife...to get me to do something. but i'm stressing about the commitment to paying that much for machines. but anyways, i gotta do something other than blog and work. every wednesday night, i try and go out with my aunts and sister for coffee. they talk about sex alot. haha...i'm learning so much. i cry everynight. ha. but then we get into other topics, like people who have affairs in their marriage and the wife doesn't want to admit it. all this drama thats not even theirs. some make comments about spying on the husband to video tape him, catch him in the act. people need to stop watching tv. seriously. turn off the boob tube and walk away...GO! have a life! but anyways, i like doing this. "ladies night" has grown. my brothers fiance is coming when she can and my aunts friend comes...both are awesome company.

i know this isnt much to tlk about. oh well! bye

Shit?

Hey guys, i hope things are good with you. however, i'm sure who "you" are...i dont know who reads my blog, let alone if there are any "you."
anyways, i thought i would shock all of you with my title...if you know me, you know i dont usually swear. but this blog is about shit, just as much it is about love. what i am learning right now, is about grace. i want to be real with you. only for now, i'm not too sure how long i can be honest for. i suck. i suck at trying to live up to peoples expectations and my own. i've conviced myself that my own expectations were Gods, but i am also realizing that i know God less than i thought i did. what i know of God has been told to me by people with their own agendas and their own deception that they have picked up from others. but anyways, to the point. i suck. i have thought myself good all these years...for 21 years. which isnt long, but along enough with pride. i have thought of myself as a good christian and then lately i have thought of myself as not a christian at all. because everything i thought made a christian i can't do anymore with a joyful heart. my joy came from the thought that my Father was proud and he put me on the stage to win first place. to be better than the others. but now all the things that i thought made my christianity have become nothing. for a while, i thought God became nothing to me. i was afraid to tell people, because i was afraid that i couldnt relate to you anymore and the result being losing your friendship. i guess what started my feeling of emptiness is the double sided talks i had with people. they would quote verses like, nothing can take you out of the hands of God, but then they would talk about if you had an abortion they would question your christianity. how commited you were. this is scaring me to say this, imagining the opposition i will get from you and others. sin will not make or break you as a child of God. sin doesnt determine if you get into heaven or not...grace does. Gods grace. i feel like homer simpons when he sees a "diet" sign. i am so scared to say this. i know my fears are pretty irrational...i wish i could explain about this, but i dont think i have words yet. just yelling.
if you know me, you know that i am a very very strong willed person with regards to what i believe. i kinda feel like paul. for so long, convicing people that Christianity was wrong enough to kill every last one of them. but i was doing this to freedom. people's freedom to watch porn or have abortions. i still think that they are unhealthy and really dont benefit anyone. its even hard now to not say that they are sinful things or wrong..."God isnt pleased with them". but like i mentioned before, sin isnt the issue, its love. thoughts are very secret. no one needs to know about them, but if they are dark enough they can make you feel so alone. alone, because you might be rejected from people. saying this now, makes me feel nieve to think that i wont be rejected by some for my thoughts or my fears. i can see theres a misunderstanding among women and men. i thought i was so alone in this, but i am finding out that women think about sex more than anyone would like to admit. we may have a emotional reason for it, but we are just as much physical as the next guy. i am not saying to the degree of a guy, but who am i to say, i'm not a guy. but i wanted to put that out there. maybe everyone else knew this, but i find conversations with guys, they tend to think that thinking about sex is a dramatic thing. i know its hard to stay mentally pure, let alone phsically pure, but i think the fact that girls have the same issue is underrated. Throughout Summit, the issue that i thought that was pretty prominant was the fact that guys are visual. that maybe so, but girls have imaginations too. i have struggled with sexual thoughts since i was in grade nine. i have felt so alone in this, because people have highlighted it so much in guys, that i didnt think any other girls delt with it. which lead me to never talk about it.
i know guys and girls differ. there's no denying that, but i think we are the same in alot of things as well. anyways, i think thats enough for now.

Just Wanted to Write

Hey guys, i hope things are well. I have to realize that people just dont have time to write these things, let alone read them. but anyways, like i have said before, i dont really do this for anyone else. i dont expect people to read this. i just split milk on my shirt...this is not good. this might be a crappy blog to read, i'm in a pretty horrible mood.
I'm realizing alot things that i dont want in my life. i'm realizing that i dont want to be here (home), i dont want my job, i dont want my weak character...i feel a lack of purpose. i hate my job. i hate my house. i hate my social skills. yeah, this might not be the greatest blog to read. i feel i am searching for something, but i know whatever it is, i dont have it. i feel guilty at times, because i should have joy in the Lord, i should be content and praise His name is all circumstances. i'm not sure what the truth is there. i would like to be content in my "desert." But...i'm not. i'm not someone who slaps on a smile and repeats that " life is good." i'm also afraid that i'm not going to ever be content...i know i know, we aren't meant for this world and it's such a joy to know that we wont truly be content until we're with the Lord. i wish you could see my eyes roll. i know what to say, better than you know what to say about these things. i have faked my way through all these things, and to be honest, for some of it i wasnt faking. i dont think this is me maturing as a christian...well, maybe part of it, but to be honest i'm not in the mood to think that i was a "good" christian faking my way through it all.
sorry about all this. i could delete this entry and you would never know that i wrote this and your life might be better off, because of it. and i'm not even sure you understood what i said...random thoughts. i'm just frustrated wanting people to think i am this person. i thought i should tell everyone that i poo...to poo at someone's house or even a weekend with a friend, i can't poo. i'm afraid of being seen at stinky. i'm afraid of being rejected, i know everyone has this crappy i dea of rejection. i know told some people, but there was one trip that i held in my poo for nine days. i was so backed up that i was crying when i actually went...it hurt so much. even to keep it in...but my mind was determined to be accepted. or at least not be rejected. (sigh) maybe you can relate, but i alter or cause myself pain in order to have your approval. i will run the distance, i will jump the height, i will beg, if you want me too. i think there's a song there. i want you to ignore the fact that i'm a girl and think i 'm funny...i'll make that a statement...i'm funny. i want you to remember that i'm a girl and know that i am beautiful. Nay! drop dead gorgeous. yeah, thats right. i want you to change your expectations of who you want me to be, to who i am now. i hope you know that this is all very poetic...i know the truth...or least most of truth about what i am saying. no need to feel offended or lost, but just take them as passing feelings.
Oh dear, i got to go, someone who i dont want to talk to just came on. well, until another later