I was woken this morning by the refresh smell of a new day. Being a wake at 6:30 and to see light was something I have been missing. I was lured into the day by the warm comforting smell of my pillow with birds lightly churping by my window. Feeling hope for what was to come. I looked out the window hoping to see grass and trees budding. Not so, but i did see the moon shining ever so brightly as the sun began to rise. This gave me a sense of being small and important. As though, my life was unique and significant to you, to me, and to God. Being woken so gently and then to hear those purpose filling words was really more than i can describe. I have been getting to know God again. Even though, I am not where I want to be, I am where I need to be. I am glad I have gone through what I have. He's breaking me and this is what I have asked all along. I don't care what I go through, I just want to be with Him. To love Him with no hidden agenda or motive. To know Him and be in union with Him. Not only to be in union, but to live as though I know I am. I have been very focused on my circumstances, that I was unfocused on the person I pursue to be. I got sick of waking up. I got sick of waking up and knowing I was a fake. That all I talked about, I doubted. I thought I was suppose to fight for justice and I thought justice was perfecting the law in all of us. I thought people should know my views on gays and sex. Instead, of God's views on love. Somehow, my pursuit in knowing truth, got mixed up with these lies about who we could never be. This is the part I hate. The part where I can relate to satan, when he declares that he can be better than God or the same as. I know I didnt mean this intentionally. But that was the end result of my lack of humility and abundance of pride. Forgot, in all my struggles and loniness, to depend. Completely surrender myself to the only Person who I know who can do something and anything with me. I'm pitiful, but important.
