Death, Disappointment...oh and Love.

Hey everyone,

I guess I am not good at this blog thing. It takes me forever to write something. But it is also because I don't really write about events in my life, but struggles and victories in my life. So, I guess I will continue...

Lately, I have been thinking about death. I know creepy. But I think its important. I have been thinking about how crazy death is. How weird it would be to be dead, to not be one of the living. But by God's grace to be more alive than I have ever been, but not be on earth. Death is also scary. And I am going to miss this world, I doubt very much. I will surely miss my family and friends, I hope they are soon behind me. I am already sounding like I am about to die or that I am already dead. Death can come at any point, but God has a plan for me. Hmm...I think that's all I want to say about death and dying. I hope it doesn't come soon, because I love people and I want to know more about God here. However, there is apart of me that can't wait to be embraced by him. To be at peace. To not struggle with sin and trying to love God but coming up short.

Another thing I have been dealing with is disappointment with myself. I am sick and tired of failing to do right. I am not good at accepting God's grace. I hate it. I want so bad to forgive myself and to find redemption in Him. And I know I try to do right on my own, I don't depend on Him. And because I don't know how to forgive myself, I continue to be judgmental of others. I try not to be. I know this is intense for me to say this, but I feel like I want you to know this. Its something that I have been dealing with for a while...A long while. I am sick of people saying, "give it to God." What does that mean? Okay, sure pray about it. There got to be more I can do, something more. I know prayer is powerful, I know. I really do. Its what I've been doing. So I have come to think that there's got to more I can do with God to feel free. I feel so tied to my recurring sin and my past sins. Freedom. Freedom is what I want. To be able to love without fear and guilt. I don't know what to say anymore to Him.

To go on a happier note, I have also been thinking and praying about love. I think this is why I am struggling with death and disappointment, because I know He is slowly perfecting love in me. Which gives me hope. But I got to tell you about this one thing that happened to me. I was in Starbucks or as I like to call it St-ucks. I go to St-ucks a lot to read and chat mostly with Rachael. But this one time I went by myself and I was reading Mark, the gospel. And I was reading about how loving God is. Christ is so perfect. Too perfect for this world. And just the realization of Gods love came to me, from none other than God himself. So, I got up and hurried home to tell my housemates and dear friends that I love them. While on the way home, I was listening to Will Smith (I know, I know...Its Will Smith, but I got to be honest with what I like). Anyways, there's this one line that he says something like..."I realized I loved you more than life itself." And I just thought how good it is that God loved me- us, so much more than this world. Hence his willingness to die for us. Which made me walk so much more faster, so much more that I contemplated becoming a pro speed walker. But then I thought about the fact that that's not cool.

There's obvisously, so much more that's going on with me. But things that need to be said in person. Things that couldn't be said other than in poetry or in person. But thank you for reading a little of my heart. I continue to ask for my heart to be changed. So that lve may flow from my fingers and be expressed with my life for the glory of God. Which would be the purpose of my existence. So until then, random blogging will have to do. I love you all.